Aries – The Ram (Mar. 21–Apr. 19)
Saturn is in retrograde, so much so that it collides with Neptune, resulting in a massive wall of space debris that rips the Earth apart in an apocalyptic storm of meteoroids. Everyone will blame you.
Taurus – The Bull (Apr. 20–May 20)
You will meet another Taurus and fall madly in love. Once everyone realizes it is a 1991 Ford Taurus station wagon, TLC will want to do a feature on you for the series premiere of Weird Sex.
Gemini – The Twins (May 21–June 21)
The moving costs you save by using free Priority Mail flat-rate boxes from the Post Office to pack your stuff will be cancelled out by having to replace everything you sawed into 12” x 12” x 5” blocks, including your family.
Cancer – The Crab (June 22–July 22)
The discomfort and embarrassment you feel at having easily the worst zodiac-sign name will continue unabated. Note: People know “Sex Machine” is not the actual name of a zodiac sign, so stop saying that. And they still don’t get the connection between a multi-limbed crustacean and a horrible disease, despite your exasperation at having to explain, over and over again, that the sign has nothing to do with… oh, screw it.
Leo – The Lion (July 23–Aug. 22)
Congratulations! An agent will finally show interest in your autobiographical novel, Across State Lines with a Screaming 12 Year Old. An FBI agent.
Virgo – The Virgin (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
Your inability to read face expressions will lead to the 210th consecutive month that you think people are amused by your obviously ironic stock greeting, “Hi. I’m a virgin.” For one, they already saw your business card with Personal Escort listed as your job title, and, two, you just ruined yet another customer’s hour of pretend-time before it even started.
Libra – The Balance (Sept. 23–Oct. 23)
Your efforts to prove, through first-hand demonstration, that piranhas do not eat humans who wade into tropical rivers will meet with rousing success. Not so much with your similar claims about crocodiles, though.
Scorpio – The Scorpion (Oct. 24–Nov. 21)
In stark contrast to your Cancer friend above, you are not uncomfortable with your zodiac name. You are proud of it, in fact, because it sounds so badass. However, in attempting to bust out your signature “scorpion” move at the tiki bar, it is you who ends up in a hospital bed. This is how you finally learn the meaning of irony.
Sagittarius – The Archer (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
Your decision to give in to peer pressure and finally buy a cell phone, a computer, a flat-screen TV, and a blu-ray player will result in exactly what you told your friends would happen: A sledge-hammer rampage that not only takes out all your new devices but also your electric typewriter, dishwasher, and toaster oven, though you know your actions are simply an outward expression of self-loathing caused by feelings of incompetence, irrelevance, and frustration at having made one atrocious life decision after another. Vindication is sweet, isn’t it?
Capricorn – The Goat (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
This is the year you finally stop caring that your birthday once again got usurped by that jolly elf in a red suit and by Beyonce’s performance on New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. This is the year you don’t mind having the zodiac sign that gets left out whenever people are asked to name all twelve signs but can only remember eleven (kind of like 49 states and Idaho). This is the year you shrug off The Goat as a lame symbol. Why? Because this is the year you don’t see the massive army of fire ants charging at you the exact moment you are laughing over the jar of honey you spilled down your pants. It’s all about perspective.
Aquarius – The Water Bearer (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
You will find out, when your car runs out of gas in the middle of Death Valley, California, that “Aquarius, the Water Bearer” is not a superhero you can summon to quench your thirst. It’s a made-up thing, like that mirage of a convenience store you keep walking toward but never get any closer to.
Pisces – The Fish (Feb. 19–Mar. 20)
Exciting things are starting to happen at work that lead to a financial windfall, and you will meet an attractive stranger who turns out to be your soul mate… you tell yourself as you stare into the fabric of your padded cubical wall and absent-mindedly put the numbers in the wrong column, a clumsy mistake that finally gets you fired. After that you will be able to spend more time with your boyfriend, Weasel, though that will also give you more time to get annoyed about his meth lab having taken over the whole house. “I swear; I only need one bedroom,” he promised, and you believed him. Eh, what are you gonna do?