Worst 100-Word Story… My Version

So apparently there’s this newfangled concept I just found out about called “being ethical.” Basically it means I cannot enter a Worst Story contest I am judging because I will be “biased.” Can you believe that malarkey? Think of the time and effort I’d save by winning a prize that’s already in my possession!

Anyway, now that my worst story contest is over and the winner announced, I might as well show you what I would have submitted (title not included in the word count). I hope you think it sucks:

Brock and Gwendolyne

Love Reflected is Love Unaccepted

By Eric J Baker

“Gwendolyne!” Brock proffered feelingly.

“Don’t,” Gwendolyne chirped in response, feelingly. She turned away.

“But… I don’t love you,” he announced, somewhat less feelingly.

She turned. “What?” She was surprised.

“I am in love with Robotman,” he declared with finality. He turned. “It’s true.”

She turned. “But I love Robotman. What shall we do?”

“I don’t know.” They turned.

From a distance, Robotman watched with unnecessarily luminous eyes, unbothered by the sunlight glinting off his chrome. He did not love either of them. He lacked human feeling. He wasn’t even sad about it. Then he activated “Giant Mode” and flew away.

**************

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29 responses to “Worst 100-Word Story… My Version

  • B.L.W. Myers

    The adverbs, the turns, the deus ex…a work of poignant beauty.

  • Bee L. Kirk

    Loved it…you would’ve won:)

  • Jill Weatherholt

    “Feelingly”…this is bad.

  • Richard Leonard

    Love the over-repeating of a cringeworthy made-up word, feelingly. Terrible.
    I tried writing 100 words of bad for this comp but didn’t think it was bad enough. If it was a competition for the most mediocre (as if that can be an extreme of some sort), I might have had a chance. 🙂

    • ericjbaker

      I believe there is an ongoing worldwide competition for most mediocre, and a many people don’t even know they are playing. My entry was my first novel manuscript. Not bad enough to be funny and not good enough to get published. At least I learned something (which, when I think about it, was “write better”)

  • Arkenaten

    My god! But I’m in love with Gwendolyne,Brock and Robotman. Now what am I gonna do?

    LOL…

  • nrhatch

    “OMG! That is just AWFUL,” she said feelingly and with extra emphasis!

    He nodded and exclaimed feelingly, “You were robbed!” He turned away and then turned back, “You could have been a contender!” :mrgreen:

    Thanks for hosting the First Annual Worst Short Story Contest. Something we will look forward to every fall!

  • Bryan Edmondson

    Being a brute splash-on cologne breed of man, a competitive electric golf-cart racing driver, and a seasoned shopping-mall power-walker usually throttles me up so much that nothing raises my eyebrows, much less leaves any time for reading the printed word. However, this awful, short story about a so-called “Robot man,” raised the hair on my arms, fully erecting it from the follicles.
    From the second Gwendolyn chirped for the first and only time I was angry. Even more so, a second later, my blood boiled when a sexually placated Robot man screeched out, then quickly rolled over and fell asleep, hogging the blanket; restlessly pulling the blanket, until it was apparent to the reader that in reality Robot man unconsciously lay next to a lonely, naked Brock.
    I began to hate that iron hole in the place of Robot man’s never-to-exist heart. That lug nut had nothing but a chest full of cold, sprocket-toothed gears, which turned, clicked, and made the lubricant fluids in his inline hydraulic tubing system begin to throb, course, ache, and every so often spurt into the air. Moreover, unsurprisingly the story’s predictable plot leads to reveal the heart of the writer himself.
    This shown in the literary form of so much cheap emotionless, tabooed eroticism. Pure animalistic, machine–on–woman—on—man–athletic mattress pounding. By the last sentence of this dreadfully second-rate story, I judged it as a pulp romance novel filth—the kind you find behind a dumpster behind a 24 hour adult newsstand.
    To the writer’s credit. I must admit that as I read, I became incrementally engrossed, more and more enraged, but also increasingly aroused—all in direct proportion to the countless number of expertly added adverbs.
    I give it an “A” for Awful.

    • ericjbaker

      I need to expand the word count next year, because you can come up with a doozy (sp?), but I’m not sure you can do it in 100 words or less.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks.”Derick,” you know, you truly did write a good, bad story.If you can create Robot man, and bring him to life as a camp vintage Icon.You can certainly write a truly great and terrible American novel.

  • 1WriteWay

    Oh, that was so awfully good 🙂

  • Bob Rodrick

    It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read. Try again, Eric.

  • kriskkaria

    I like the word, feelingly. Says so much but not really.

    • ericjbaker

      I think it says the writer is bereft of creativity. I commented on it above, but I came upon that word in a science fiction novel a few years ago and almost threw the book in the garbage then and there. But then I would have owed the library about $26.

  • Bryan Edmondson

    You Blog Rocks, “Derick,” or whatever your name was.Keep up the good Work. You make a difference.
    🙂
    Say can I put my car in your lawn for a few years. It won’t start and I want to take the engine apart at put the pieces everywhere. We won’t be able to move so it is col to let 8 inch grass or so grow under it.
    Plus we can drink beer and shoot at it. It will be our “shooting car.I am, after all, a Native Texan.
    Please post your address. Thanks in advance.

    B.

  • Ensis

    I love how giant mode is an allegory for unavailability.

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