The hotly anticipated first film in the new Hobbit trilogy, An Unexpected Journey, is due to hit theater screens in a little over a month. If any movie was ever a sure bet, this one is it. I know I’ll be there.
Perhaps you’re excited to see it as well but, at the same time, you’re concerned because you haven’t experienced the Lord of the Rings trilogy yet – or it has been ages and you forgot everything – and you don’t have a spare 13 hours between now and then to catch up.
Suffer in anguish no more! We’ve conveniently recapped the whole shebang for you in exactly 500 words (not counting the title and byline). Read on:
The Lord of the Rings
By Frodo Baggins
Gandalf says, “You gotta throw this ring into a volcano or all kinds of bad shit will go down.”
I say, “I’m taking my friends.”
Gandalf gathers a fellowship of hobbits, humans, elves, and dwarves (he does that sometimes), and we’re off.
Bad shit goes down anyway. Everybody and their mother wants this stupid ring! Orcs, evil eyes, Christopher Lee, scary horses, fire monsters, and a giant octopus. Actually, the octopus doesn’t give two shits about the ring.
The dwarfs in the cavern are all dead, and we’re super sad, until my dumbass friend drops a skeleton down a well! I survive getting stabbed by a monster on account of my magic chainmail (why not?), but Gandalf dies. We’re all mopey, because we don’t have GPS.
A weird frog guy shows up who says, “My precioussssss,” which gets old fast. He knows the volcano, but – if you were there you’d know what I mean – he’s like an annoying houseguest. We’re outside, so I can’t exactly say, “Leave,” can I?
I don’t own the outside.
My friends get kidnapped by beast warriors who work for an anti-environmentalist wizard. Talking trees, a castle siege, yada yada. Frankly, I think they ate mushrooms and hallucinated the whole thing. My friends are wastoids.
So we’re walking and walking and walking. Meanwhile, Gandalf, who it turns out was just mostly dead, comes back and scares away a dragon with his magic staff. I’m like, “Yo. How about conjuring up a car?”
More battles and castles and orcs happen, plus super-sized elephants (as if normal ones weren’t big enough). I gotta be honest: I have no idea who’s fighting and why. If the bad guys had half a brain, they’d forget the castles and look for the damn ring, which I have in a pouch. Not exactly Fort Knox.
The spider bite was the worst. I didn’t know I was allergic to spider venom. Laugh if you want, but this spider was bigger than your uncle Ed’s Buick.
The dude shagging the elf chick ends the battle by getting a ghost army to kill the orcs in about four seconds. I’m like, “Well, thanks for waiting until now, dude,” but I guess he didn’t hear me. He doesn’t look it, but he’s 80.
I’m spent, so my chubby friend carries me up the volcano. I try to chuck the ring but the little frog guy grabs it. He falls into the lava anyway, and I’m not even going to pretend I’m sad.
The bad guy dies and we get rescued by giant eagles, who, just between you and me, would be 100X better at chucking rings into volcanos than I am.
Hey, the dude shagging the elf chick turns out to be the king! We’re like, “That reminds me of Episode I, when Natalie Portman reveals that she’s really queen whatsername, and the Jedi, who supposedly know everything, are totally gobsmacked.”
No, wait. The end. Nope, that’s not it.
Ok. The end.