You know what I love? Grapes. All kinds of grapes. Purple grapes. Green grapes. I love grapes in bunches, one at a time, or in groups of twos and threes.
On the other hand…
I hate onions. I hate them raw. I hate them cooked. I hate their “flavor” (as if horror were a flavor) and the way they crunch and the way the horror explodes in my mouth and won’t ever leave. I hate them fried. I hate them caramelized. How is caramelized even a thing?
I hate onions.
Why does everyone insist on putting onions in my food? I never said I wanted onions. Stop making assumptions.
The food people put them on my burgers and sandwiches. They put them in my salads, including potato. I’m glad my soda has a lid.
To me, this is the same as blowing cigarette smoke in my face and then saying, “Oh, I assumed you wanted smoke in your face.”
This week was the last (onion) straw. I bought cranberry-almond chicken salad at Costco. What I got was ONION chicken salad, with chaser lights. Big-ass chunks of diced, crunchy, unbridled, sociopathic onion. I cannot taste the chicken, the almonds, or the cranberries.
If I want onions (which I never would), I’ll ask.
People use the “layers of an onion” metaphor to describe people and things that are full of surprises and mystery. Why? Every layer of an onion is exactly the same as the one above and below it: Nasty.
If I were dictator of the world, I’d be benevolent. Free tacos on Sunday and all that. But, I’m sorry; no freakin’ onions. If you want onions, visit Onion Island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the only place I permit them to grow. Don’t think about smuggling one out, either. Your punishment will be legendary!
Pray I never become dictator, onions.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog reading.
I feel about onions the way this poster promoting the 1897 horror comedy “Psychos in Love” feels about grapes. It takes all kinds!
December 2nd, 2014 at 9:36 pm
Haha! You onion hater, you!
How do you feel about scallions? Chives? Leeks?
I’m not a fan of raw onions ~ too overpowering. But I love them cooked, caramelized, fried, in soups, in stews, in casseroles, etc., as long as they’re cut in small pieces. No big chunks.
December 2nd, 2014 at 11:54 pm
At least the big chunks are easier to find and take out.
Funny you should ask about Mr. Onion’s cousins. This rant started today at lunch when I discovered the onions in my sandwich, and my co-worker asked me the same question. I replied with an emphatic “thumbs-down.”
They all hate mayonnaise. I like it. C’est la vie.
December 2nd, 2014 at 9:51 pm
You have issues my friend. 🙂
December 2nd, 2014 at 11:55 pm
I know! My biggest issue is people assuming I want onions in my food.
😡
😉
January 17th, 2018 at 9:46 pm
I have trouble with onions every day.
my mom puts onions in my food every day and I HATE onions!
I hate everything about onions. But I am forced to eat it and I always have to argue and end up starving!!
I wish onions did not exist
December 2nd, 2014 at 9:57 pm
Onions are like my favorite food.
December 2nd, 2014 at 11:56 pm
You are welcome to have all of mine!
😉
December 2nd, 2014 at 10:17 pm
All right. There will be no Christmas Onion in your stocking this year!
December 2nd, 2014 at 11:57 pm
Another great family tradition lost in the maelstrom of social-media rage!
December 3rd, 2014 at 5:10 am
Obviously you’ve never had a sweet Vadalia onion, Eric. I could eat an entire bowl of caramelized Vadalia onions…yum! By the way, I hate mayonnaise.
December 5th, 2014 at 8:59 pm
I never realized how many people hate mayo until recently. People dont’ just hate it, they shudder at the mention of it.
I like it on a sandwich, but not globs of it. On a sub (or a “hoagie,” if you prefer), it’s oil and vinegar though. Drown that thing in O&V!
December 6th, 2014 at 8:12 pm
I’ve never been a fan of mayo and restaurants sure like to pile it on. Gobs of any condiments make me cringe. Oil and vinegar is cool on a salad, but I don’t like my bread to be soggy…I know, I’m picky. 🙂
December 3rd, 2014 at 5:13 am
Lol!! It tastes great when fried in long semi circular strips(?) and sprinkled on your spaghetti, or our more local yam/palm oil sauce 😀
Eric come to Nigeria and I’ll teach you to love onions in all it’s yummy glory.
December 5th, 2014 at 9:00 pm
Well, for the sake of cultural exchange, I’ll think about it. Who wants to be the close-minded tourist? lol.
December 3rd, 2014 at 7:04 am
This is brilliant! Thank God somebody else gets it!
December 5th, 2014 at 9:02 pm
Finally. I was starting to worry that I’ve become a bitter old hermit over here. My autobiography would be called “i AM the onion.”
December 3rd, 2014 at 8:06 am
The rant-o-meter just maxed out to ten
December 5th, 2014 at 9:04 pm
Sometimes you just have to let it out! 😆 I got a hamburger today, and I was very polite in asking the order taker to withhold the onion. Who knows what would have happened if I didn’t have this blog?!
December 3rd, 2014 at 8:09 am
I hate tomatoes, but not tomato sauce (as long as it doesn’t have chunks of tomatoes in it). I used to hate onions but I’ve adapted (resistance was futile since, as you note, onions are everywhere and on everything). But I still have my limits and, if it weren’t for my husband, I’d probably never eat an onion again. As it is, with tomatoes, I hand them over to him 😉
December 5th, 2014 at 9:06 pm
I like tomatoes, catsup, tomato soup, sauce, salsa (yeah, I know there are onion bits in there. Shhh), etc. But I totally get why people don’t like them.
December 3rd, 2014 at 8:16 am
I just had to read this – I suspect this is how my husband feels about onions. He hates them, too, but I love them – not raw but cooked, of course. It’s a texture thing for him.
December 5th, 2014 at 9:08 pm
That’s the funny part. It is largely about texture. They’re too crunchy when they shouldn’t be, and too mushy when they shouldn’t be. How about something in the middle? Oh, and change the flavor. And the shape.
Eh, just give me french fries.
😉
December 3rd, 2014 at 9:37 am
But…do you like them with a fox? Do you like them in a box? Would you eat them here and there? Would eat them in anywhere?
December 5th, 2014 at 9:09 pm
I do not like them, Mr. Bunyan. I do not like raw or cooked onion!
[All right, They can’t all be winners]
December 3rd, 2014 at 11:42 am
What is it with people and abject hatred of random foods? Can’t we all get along? The tomato people and the onion people and the no spicy thank you people and the ew I don’t eat soup people and the anti fish people – it’s ridiculous. First world problem.
December 5th, 2014 at 9:11 pm
But if I blogged about how much I like chicken wings, nobody would read it.
Say, you aren’t a lobbyist for the onion cartels, are you?
December 8th, 2014 at 11:42 am
I’d be making a heck of a lot more cash if I was!
December 3rd, 2014 at 5:40 pm
I hate brussel sprouts. Their look, their texture and their taste. Golfers ought to use them on the driving range. They have earned their place in an Ugly Recipes Cookbook when combined with eggplant.
Oh!… we’re talking about onions. As Roseanne Roseanadanna was fond of saying, “Never mind.”
December 5th, 2014 at 9:12 pm
Ahaha. I love the skit when she wonders why everyone complains about “violins on television.”
December 5th, 2014 at 10:10 pm
Or What’s all this talk about President Ford wants to make Puerto Rico a steak…
December 4th, 2014 at 2:13 pm
I once had a roommate who hated onions and I found that all her cooking tasted very strange without them, like the ghost of what it was supposed to taste like. But as a supertaster with strong food dislikes myself (including foods many consider to not have much of a flavour to even dislike, like watermelon and celery and green tea) I can appreciate the sentiment behind your rant. Unfortunately for you, because onions are such a powerful flavour enhancer, they’re included in almost every savoury dish.
As well, I raw onions are much too strong for me; they must be cooked for me to eat them or else I’ll just eat around them.
December 5th, 2014 at 9:17 pm
I’ve heard celery is the only food that burns more calories to chew than it provides. Probably BS, but it still sounds interesting.
I don’t mind strong flavors, but they tend to be vinnegar based, like buffalo and different BBQ sauces, mustard, etc. I think, with onions, its the combo of harsh flavor and weird texture.
December 6th, 2014 at 2:16 pm
I’ve heard that about celery, and also about licorice, and that the latter is the only candy that varsity athletes are encouraged to eat.
Personally, I despise licorice, particularly black licorice, and all related flavours, like fennel and anise seed. Imagine my misery years ago when on a desert survival and foraging course when almost every edible tasted like fennel.
I also really dislike strong vinegar flavours, including pickles and anything pickles. White vinegar is the worst; I break out into an instant sweat whenever I consume it. Balsamic isn’t as bad, although I had to try 5 different balsamics before I found one mild enough to use as a salad dressing.
But the true test of flavours comes down to cilantro: people either love it or hate it (I love it). Apparently, some people possess a particular gene that makes cilantro taste like soap to them.
December 8th, 2014 at 8:49 pm
Mmmm. Love black licorice. Fascinating how people react differently to flavors.
December 4th, 2014 at 7:47 pm
I don’t like raw onions inflicted upon me in a salad. A place I go to which has great ribs adds raw onions to their salads. I always have to pick them out.
December 5th, 2014 at 9:19 pm
And they act annoyed if you ask them to leave the onions out. I’m going to tell them i have a severe onion allergy next time. My throat swells shut and I grow an extra head, which eventually splits off and becomes an ape monster.
December 5th, 2014 at 6:23 am
Mind if I copy and paste that and replace onion with beetroot? No, that would just make me a lazy plagiarising, onion-loving, beetroot-hating bastard. I wouldn’t do that.
Caramelising. Yeah, the word people use when they want to sound like a celebrity chef.
December 5th, 2014 at 9:20 pm
Go ahead and take it, but if your beetroot piece makes you a star, I want a cut of the money.
😉
December 8th, 2014 at 8:25 pm
Ha! I like this! Its a perfect Does This Happen to You. Can I narrate for my podcast?
December 8th, 2014 at 8:49 pm
Of course!
🙂
December 15th, 2014 at 11:23 pm
Its ready to play on my podcast, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/. Thanks for letting me narrate it!
December 9th, 2014 at 4:58 am
So, salsa without the onion is … diced tomato and chilli?
😉
I suppose you also have a thing about Booker T and his Green Onions?
Heathen … sheesh, more culture in a yogurt.
December 9th, 2014 at 7:26 am
I don’t mind songs about onions, now that you bring it up. 😉
December 9th, 2014 at 7:49 am
Well, there’s a post for you. Exorcise your demons – or exercise them if you fancy chasing them around the block for a few laps! lol
January 17th, 2018 at 10:16 pm
Please delete onions dear god I will be so grateful!!
September 16th, 2019 at 5:18 pm
Most hilariously accurate thing I have EVER read. Benevolent Overload, Eric the Gray, how I wish you at least reigned over all food consumption! How happily that kingdom would dine….