I hate onions

You know what I love? Grapes. All kinds of grapes. Purple grapes. Green grapes. I love grapes in bunches, one at a time, or in groups of twos and threes.  On the other hand...

You know what I love? Grapes. All kinds of grapes. Purple grapes. Green grapes. I love grapes in bunches, one at a time, or in groups of twos and threes.
On the other hand…

I hate onions. I hate them raw. I hate them cooked. I hate their “flavor” (as if horror were a flavor) and the way they crunch and the way the horror explodes in my mouth and won’t ever leave. I hate them fried. I hate them caramelized. How is caramelized even a thing?

I hate onions.

Why does everyone insist on putting onions in my food? I never said I wanted onions. Stop making assumptions.

The food people put them on my burgers and sandwiches. They put them in my salads, including potato. I’m glad my soda has a lid.

To me, this is the same as blowing cigarette smoke in my face and then saying, “Oh, I assumed you wanted smoke in your face.”

This week was the last (onion) straw. I bought cranberry-almond chicken salad at Costco. What I got was ONION chicken salad, with chaser lights. Big-ass chunks of diced, crunchy, unbridled, sociopathic onion. I cannot taste the chicken, the almonds, or the cranberries.

If I want onions (which I never would), I’ll ask.

People use the “layers of an onion” metaphor to describe people and things that are full of surprises and mystery. Why? Every layer of an onion is exactly the same as the one above and below it: Nasty.

If I were dictator of the world, I’d be benevolent. Free tacos on Sunday and all that. But, I’m sorry; no freakin’ onions. If you want onions, visit Onion Island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the only place I permit them to grow. Don’t think about smuggling one out, either. Your punishment will be legendary!

Pray I never become dictator, onions.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog reading.

I feel about onions the way this poster promoting the 1897 horror comedy "Psychos in Love" feels about grapes. It takes all kinds!

I feel about onions the way this poster promoting the 1897 horror comedy “Psychos in Love” feels about grapes. It takes all kinds!


46 responses to “I hate onions

  • nrhatch

    Haha! You onion hater, you!
    How do you feel about scallions? Chives? Leeks?

    I’m not a fan of raw onions ~ too overpowering. But I love them cooked, caramelized, fried, in soups, in stews, in casseroles, etc., as long as they’re cut in small pieces. No big chunks.

    • ericjbaker

      At least the big chunks are easier to find and take out.

      Funny you should ask about Mr. Onion’s cousins. This rant started today at lunch when I discovered the onions in my sandwich, and my co-worker asked me the same question. I replied with an emphatic “thumbs-down.”

      They all hate mayonnaise. I like it. C’est la vie.

  • Earnest Harris

    You have issues my friend. 🙂

    • ericjbaker

      I know! My biggest issue is people assuming I want onions in my food.

      😡
      😉

    • wifigangsta

      I have trouble with onions every day.
      my mom puts onions in my food every day and I HATE onions!
      I hate everything about onions. But I am forced to eat it and I always have to argue and end up starving!!

      I wish onions did not exist

  • hollie

    Onions are like my favorite food.

  • valleygrail

    All right. There will be no Christmas Onion in your stocking this year!

  • Jill Weatherholt

    Obviously you’ve never had a sweet Vadalia onion, Eric. I could eat an entire bowl of caramelized Vadalia onions…yum! By the way, I hate mayonnaise.

    • ericjbaker

      I never realized how many people hate mayo until recently. People dont’ just hate it, they shudder at the mention of it.

      I like it on a sandwich, but not globs of it. On a sub (or a “hoagie,” if you prefer), it’s oil and vinegar though. Drown that thing in O&V!

      • Jill Weatherholt

        I’ve never been a fan of mayo and restaurants sure like to pile it on. Gobs of any condiments make me cringe. Oil and vinegar is cool on a salad, but I don’t like my bread to be soggy…I know, I’m picky. 🙂

  • uju

    Lol!! It tastes great when fried in long semi circular strips(?) and sprinkled on your spaghetti, or our more local yam/palm oil sauce 😀

    Eric come to Nigeria and I’ll teach you to love onions in all it’s yummy glory.

  • terencetransparent

    This is brilliant! Thank God somebody else gets it!

  • livelytwist

    The rant-o-meter just maxed out to ten :mrgreen:

    • ericjbaker

      Sometimes you just have to let it out! 😆 I got a hamburger today, and I was very polite in asking the order taker to withhold the onion. Who knows what would have happened if I didn’t have this blog?!

  • 1WriteWay

    I hate tomatoes, but not tomato sauce (as long as it doesn’t have chunks of tomatoes in it). I used to hate onions but I’ve adapted (resistance was futile since, as you note, onions are everywhere and on everything). But I still have my limits and, if it weren’t for my husband, I’d probably never eat an onion again. As it is, with tomatoes, I hand them over to him 😉

  • jhmae

    I just had to read this – I suspect this is how my husband feels about onions. He hates them, too, but I love them – not raw but cooked, of course. It’s a texture thing for him.

    • ericjbaker

      That’s the funny part. It is largely about texture. They’re too crunchy when they shouldn’t be, and too mushy when they shouldn’t be. How about something in the middle? Oh, and change the flavor. And the shape.

      Eh, just give me french fries.

      😉

  • Bob Rodrick

    But…do you like them with a fox? Do you like them in a box? Would you eat them here and there? Would eat them in anywhere?

  • Jodi

    What is it with people and abject hatred of random foods? Can’t we all get along? The tomato people and the onion people and the no spicy thank you people and the ew I don’t eat soup people and the anti fish people – it’s ridiculous. First world problem.

  • Eric Tonningsen

    I hate brussel sprouts. Their look, their texture and their taste. Golfers ought to use them on the driving range. They have earned their place in an Ugly Recipes Cookbook when combined with eggplant.

    Oh!… we’re talking about onions. As Roseanne Roseanadanna was fond of saying, “Never mind.”

  • Janna G. Noelle

    I once had a roommate who hated onions and I found that all her cooking tasted very strange without them, like the ghost of what it was supposed to taste like. But as a supertaster with strong food dislikes myself (including foods many consider to not have much of a flavour to even dislike, like watermelon and celery and green tea) I can appreciate the sentiment behind your rant. Unfortunately for you, because onions are such a powerful flavour enhancer, they’re included in almost every savoury dish.

    As well, I raw onions are much too strong for me; they must be cooked for me to eat them or else I’ll just eat around them.

    • ericjbaker

      I’ve heard celery is the only food that burns more calories to chew than it provides. Probably BS, but it still sounds interesting.

      I don’t mind strong flavors, but they tend to be vinnegar based, like buffalo and different BBQ sauces, mustard, etc. I think, with onions, its the combo of harsh flavor and weird texture.

      • Janna G. Noelle

        I’ve heard that about celery, and also about licorice, and that the latter is the only candy that varsity athletes are encouraged to eat.

        Personally, I despise licorice, particularly black licorice, and all related flavours, like fennel and anise seed. Imagine my misery years ago when on a desert survival and foraging course when almost every edible tasted like fennel.

        I also really dislike strong vinegar flavours, including pickles and anything pickles. White vinegar is the worst; I break out into an instant sweat whenever I consume it. Balsamic isn’t as bad, although I had to try 5 different balsamics before I found one mild enough to use as a salad dressing.

        But the true test of flavours comes down to cilantro: people either love it or hate it (I love it). Apparently, some people possess a particular gene that makes cilantro taste like soap to them.

  • L. Marie

    I don’t like raw onions inflicted upon me in a salad. A place I go to which has great ribs adds raw onions to their salads. I always have to pick them out.

    • ericjbaker

      And they act annoyed if you ask them to leave the onions out. I’m going to tell them i have a severe onion allergy next time. My throat swells shut and I grow an extra head, which eventually splits off and becomes an ape monster.

  • Richard Leonard

    Mind if I copy and paste that and replace onion with beetroot? No, that would just make me a lazy plagiarising, onion-loving, beetroot-hating bastard. I wouldn’t do that.
    Caramelising. Yeah, the word people use when they want to sound like a celebrity chef.

  • kriskkaria

    Ha! I like this! Its a perfect Does This Happen to You. Can I narrate for my podcast?

  • Arkenaten

    So, salsa without the onion is … diced tomato and chilli?

    😉
    I suppose you also have a thing about Booker T and his Green Onions?
    Heathen … sheesh, more culture in a yogurt.

  • wifigangsta

    Please delete onions dear god I will be so grateful!!

  • JS

    Most hilariously accurate thing I have EVER read. Benevolent Overload, Eric the Gray, how I wish you at least reigned over all food consumption! How happily that kingdom would dine….

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