My friend Kristen, who does nail polish tutorials and blogs for a cosmetics brand, and who uses the superior -en spelling of her name (who am I to argue?), recently commented that her husband will not let her do his nails.
She conducted a quick verbal survey of the men within earshot, asking, “Would you let a woman put nail polish on you?” I summarize the collective response thusly: NOOOOOOOOOOOO FREAKIN’ WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!
That is, the ones who didn’t immediately run and hide said that.
Witnessing this event unfold, my inner non-conformist felt a surge of adrenaline. My inner non-conformist is also well aware of my slow philosophical evolution on gender roles in modern society (in short, I’ve come to believe gender roles are largely meaningless constructs that often hold us back from being happy and pursuing interests for fear of being judged and ostracized).
All of which led to me announcing, “I’ll do it.”
The way I remember this moment, it was a TV show and the camera cut to me just after I spoke and the room had instantly fallen silent. A fine piece of comedic editing.
I picked the colors, but otherwise, Kristen knocked out this design in about 10 minutes today with no planning. And you know what? I’m just as much of a dude as I was before. Imagine that.
If you click on the last picture you’ll (probably) get a closer look. My favorite is the ring-finger web, though the middle finger bat is cute.
Eric the Gray 
October 29th, 2014 at 7:11 pm
You look fabulous, dahling! (Love the modeling poses…)
October 29th, 2014 at 9:53 pm
Those eyelashes are 100% real, too!
October 29th, 2014 at 7:26 pm
Kristen with an “en” does great work! I love the thumb, it looks like a ladybug or should I say, manbug. By the way, have you lost weight? 🙂 Lookin smooth!
October 29th, 2014 at 9:56 pm
I thought you’d never ask. My last weigh-in was 192, for a total of 10 pounds lost. I’m shooting for 20 more. It’s tedious losing only a pound a week, but they say that is the right way to do it.
October 30th, 2014 at 8:56 am
Great job, Eric! Yes, when you lose weight slower, your chances of keeping if off are higher. I think a lot of it has to deal with realizing how hard it really is to lose, so you are more inclined to say no to the Halloween candy sitting in the bowl. 🙂 Thanks for sharing the great news!
October 30th, 2014 at 9:09 am
That’s a good point. It certainly seems like a lot of sacrifice for 16 ounces a week. Hopefully, the weight loss with dovetail with my novel becoming a best seller. I need to look good for the inevitable magazine covers and what not.
😆
October 29th, 2014 at 7:27 pm
She’s really good. I’m sure the trick or treaters will love them.
October 29th, 2014 at 9:57 pm
If I don’t chip the crap out of them by then. I may look like a daisy, but I live like an old tree stump.
😆
October 29th, 2014 at 8:13 pm
Nice. I like the web finger as well. I’d do this if someone offered. I’m secure, and all that. BTW – what’s with the hair? I always assume you look like your blog picture, with that cool dome look. I should try that someday, seeing as how I’m pretty much halfway there.
October 29th, 2014 at 10:03 pm
I looked like my blog picture when I took it! For reals, though, I got sick of haircuts so I shaved it for 5 years, but then I got sick of shaving it and I’m back to haircuts. I’m like that with yogurt too.
I doubt I would have let someone put nail polish on me 10 years ago, but with age comes a loss of concern about being judged. I’m sure we’ve both been through enough ups and downs to not focus on piddly stuff anymore.
Glad to see you back on the WordPress scene, Dave.
October 29th, 2014 at 8:27 pm
The web finger is definitely the best one. Now, if only you could get Spiderman powers to go with that! 🙂
October 29th, 2014 at 10:04 pm
I’m not sure I want the responsibility/temptation to become a supervillain. 😉
October 29th, 2014 at 9:01 pm
Beautiful! Let us know when you graduate to lipstick…
October 29th, 2014 at 10:07 pm
I’ve had lipstick on before, but it was residual from kissing. The most important part of the make-up is foundation. Instead of a light powder, though, I’ve chosen to cover my face with prickly whiskers. I’m trying to start a trend.
October 29th, 2014 at 10:40 pm
You’re doing your part, citizen!
October 29th, 2014 at 9:52 pm
Awesomeness! I strongly approve.
October 29th, 2014 at 10:08 pm
Say, I knew a Kathy Schubel once, but she married some jerko named Tim instead of me! You’re not her, are you?
I mean thanks!
October 29th, 2014 at 11:01 pm
Haha. I haven’t had nail polish on my nails since my teens ~ it’s makes my fingers feel claustrophobic . . . like they can’t breathe.
October 29th, 2014 at 11:19 pm
I’m carrying the lonely torch!
😉
October 30th, 2014 at 12:24 am
You actually have really pretty hands!
October 30th, 2014 at 9:13 am
Aw, thanks. They’re very steady too. Maybe I should have been a hand model a la George Costanza on Seinfeld.
October 30th, 2014 at 4:12 am
Red toenails next Eric. I don’t think I’ve ever seen any bloke, gay or straight, with painted nails. Yet we go in for all other types of body art and it’s not considered odd. I’d guess that once it trends everyone will be doing it.
October 30th, 2014 at 9:27 am
Having spent my formative years playing in bands and working in record shops, I used to see a fair number of Goth dudes with black nail polish, but that’s about it. I’m probably doing this because I know it’s going to freak some people out, so I guess that’s the same point the Goth kids were making all those years ago.
October 30th, 2014 at 2:18 pm
Ah, those were the days. I think some of our Alwilk “hoodlums” wore nail polish.
October 30th, 2014 at 7:06 pm
My brain is too worn out to remember that, but I can see it.
October 30th, 2014 at 11:04 am
Lol, pinky smiley is cute!
October 30th, 2014 at 7:09 pm
haha. I keep distracting myself every time I reach for something. “What the… oh yeah.”
I also realize how brutishly I work my way through life, now that I’m trying not to chip them. Damn, I’m like a rhinoceros over here.
October 31st, 2014 at 12:26 am
Now you have a small idea of what I go through! Should I grow a moustache for ‘Movember’? 🙂
Seriously, painting my finger nails is a luxury. But my toe nails, ah, they look so fine! They always kiss summer with bright colours. Then they hibernate in winter.
November 1st, 2014 at 4:34 pm
Yes, grow a nice handlebar mustache! 😆
My toes live in the shadows, watching and waiting for the chance to take over. I can’t let them out. Ever.
October 30th, 2014 at 1:47 pm
Very nice to see a man that is not worried about his masculinity, and just have fun with something.
October 30th, 2014 at 7:16 pm
Thanks. It is fun and it’s a bit of a bonding thing when a friend does one’s nails. I mean, I knew that, but it’s cool to experience it. I don’t mind being “one of the girls” once in a while. Except that I can’t reciprocate with the nails, unless someone wants polish that looks to have been applied by a large, hooved mammal. I leave the decorative arts to the experts.
October 30th, 2014 at 11:31 pm
Totally cute – shame she’s not in my neck of the woods to do mine! Enjoy walking on the wild side my friend, Halloween’s the perfect time to do it.
November 1st, 2014 at 4:35 pm
Yes, she’s gotten even more requests than usual since this little adventure. I feel I’ve inadvertently made her life more difficult. 😆
October 31st, 2014 at 6:45 am
Although I probably wouldn’t say no to this exercise either, the more likely reason my nails would be sporting those colours is from the remnants of pumpkin wth vanilla icing and soy source eaten without the utensils of civilised society.
November 1st, 2014 at 4:37 pm
My friend applied an undercoating, she said, to keep my fingernails from staining orange. I told her they get stained that way all the time from eating buffalo wings anyway.
October 31st, 2014 at 3:15 pm
I salute your inner non-conformist; how can any man refuse to have such awesome adornment?
Very nice poses as well. I know that you claim you don’t have the stereotypical Jersey tough guy accent, but whenever you put on the attitude like that in your pics, I’m convinced your either lying or in denial!
November 1st, 2014 at 4:37 pm
hahaha! Maybe I’m too close to the situation to recognize my true self. Fuggetaboutit.
October 31st, 2014 at 4:28 pm
Nice nail job! Hey, men wear jewelry, get their ears pierced and all that. Polished nails is just another form of decoration. Your masculinity is safe and secure. Love the Halloween theme by the way 😉
November 1st, 2014 at 4:40 pm
Thanks. My son is already telling me I should do Thanksgiving and Christmas nails. I had to remind him that I did not create or apply this design and wouldn’t know how.
November 1st, 2014 at 6:12 pm
I’m sure Kristen would be happy to help you with that 🙂
October 31st, 2014 at 8:55 pm
Great, read man. I am all for guys wearing nail polish. I have been wearing it for over 10 years. Love it. Glamoure Magazine UK had a little spot on me this month. Lets keep rocking it. We dig. My girlfriend loves it as well. #Salute.
November 1st, 2014 at 4:41 pm
Cool! Is the article available online? If so, feel free to post a link. I’d like to read it.
October 31st, 2014 at 11:19 pm
Very cool! You get HUGE points for doing it! It means you are gutsy and a player! What would have topped this off would have been you wearing a pink shirt. I love a man in pink. 🙂 LOL.
November 1st, 2014 at 4:48 pm
I do have a few pink shirts, but I wanted a cooler shirt color for the pic so as not to compete with the nails.
The only thing I was concerned about with this endeavor was what my employer would think. I’m not in a client-facing role, so I didn’t really worry that it would be a big deal, but it turns out that upper management thought it was fun and cool. Our HR director even took a picture of it and entered me in the company Halloween costume contest! I didn’t win, though if I did, I would have to give the prize to Kristen for doing the work.
October 31st, 2014 at 11:55 pm
Good for you! Did she do both hands? Now you’ll find out how hard it is to keep them from chipping.
November 1st, 2014 at 4:50 pm
Just the one hand because we were pressed for time. Maybe for Thanksgiving? 😆
November 4th, 2014 at 1:05 am
A fellow non-conformist is embarrassingly behind reading blogs he enjoys. You’d think WordPress would give its user community more options to sift and sort through our bulging Readers. But I digress.
Unphased by an willingness to have your nails adorned, what instead caught my attention (and has stayed with me) was your “In short” statement. To this reader it warrants a marquee versus being relegated to an interjected explanatory remark.
November 4th, 2014 at 9:40 pm
Aw thanks. I try to slip that stuff in on the sly so Eric the Writer doesn’t become Eric the Social Activist. Somehow I’m supposed to be building a platform for my writing with this thing, but I’m not so sure that’s working. 😆
November 17th, 2014 at 4:56 pm
Your nails look great, dude!
November 20th, 2014 at 4:56 pm
Thanks, dudette!
November 21st, 2014 at 5:20 pm
Lol!
July 25th, 2015 at 8:18 am
Late to the dance, but I had to comment. This is hysterical. My husband doesnt even like toe polish, so I wear the glittery stuff just to annoy him.
Love those little ladybug polkadots on your thumbs…
July 25th, 2015 at 12:15 pm
I’m outwardly open-minded but personally uptight (I hope that makes sense), so this was a fun experiment.
Thanks for the comment! Better late than never.