If you want to be popular, you usually have to be good-looking, wealthy, charismatic, famous, athletic, or have some sort of talent in the arts. I arguably possess a bit of the last one, but widespread dissemination of said talent is often needed before you can go clubbing in New York with an entourage that may or may not include current NBA stars, Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and at least two former Nickelodeon starlets who are now 25-going-on-50 and totally wacked-out on cocaine.
However, there is a secret side-door for us normies into the world of the cool kids: Resembling a newly famous celebrity. Remember all the girls getting their hair straightened to look like Jennifer Aniston back in the ’90s? Teenage girls are probably dressing and styling themselves after Rihanna and Taylor Swift these days, though I wouldn’t know because I haven’t worked in a shopping mall since VCRs.
I’ve never had the good fortune to resemble a trendy famous person. I look more like Anton LaVey, the founder of the Church of Satan, than I do Justin Bieber, and I can’t believe this sentence now exists.
Then, two weeks ago, things changed. British actor Peter Capaldi took over the lead role in BBC’s global phenomenon Doctor Who. Whenever a new performer steps into that iconic role, he instantly becomes the most talked about actor in Great Britain.
And what are people discussing about Mr. Capaldi? His acting? No. His eyebrows. Dude’s brows are already legendary.
I was chatting about the latest episode with a friend the other day when she stopped in mid-sentence. “Holy crap, Eric,” she said. “You got Capaldi brows!”
I immediately took to Twitter with this boast and, as if to prove my point about side-door popularity before I even thought of it, BBC picked it up and retweeted it to thousands and thousands of people. Somehow I doubt uncool kids get retweeted like that.
Here’s the photographic evidence:
Note: If you’d like to be in my entourage, please submit an essay explaining why you are cool enough and how many drinks you are willing to buy me. Thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bit of sad news this week: Lost amid the chatter about the Jennifer Lawrence photo-hacking scandal was the death of singer Jimi Jamison of the ’70s and ’80s pop-rock band Survivor, whose hits included Eye of the Tiger (with a different singer), The Search is Over, I Can’t Hold Back, and High on You. Survivor never received critical recognition and, to be real, their music didn’t have much substance. However, they did know how to craft a good pop song. Regardless of their place in music history, Jimi Jamison had a killer voice. You don’t have to like their music (which I do) to admit the guy owned serious pipes. He could have sung for Journey.
Jamison died this past Sunday at age 63. Rock on, Jimi!
September 4th, 2014 at 11:08 pm
Congrats on the cool kid status. I can only dream…
I got so sick of “Eye of the Tiger” that I stopped listening to Survivor if I could help it. Didn’t realize Jimi wasn’t the singer. I’ll have to give them another listen. 🙂
September 5th, 2014 at 1:34 pm
Yeah, they’re a little 80s-tastic, but I believe they were better than commonly credited.
September 4th, 2014 at 11:30 pm
1) She’s right! Doppelganger brows if ever there were a pair.
2) I smiled at what yielded “…I can’t believe this sentence now exists.”
3) Sorry, don’t do entourages. But I will buy you a drink for adding a bit of levity to my Thursday evening.
September 5th, 2014 at 1:40 pm
Perhaps my entourage sales pitch wasn’t very effective. How about I just drop by on my way through town and we stop at the local pub for pints!
September 5th, 2014 at 3:56 pm
Sold!
September 5th, 2014 at 12:19 am
My wife’s mother dated Anton LaVey. Anton LaVey was a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Anton LaVey! 👿
September 5th, 2014 at 1:42 pm
Would you settle for a poor man’s Telly Savalas? Who loves you, baby?
September 5th, 2014 at 3:04 am
Eyebrows, voice, hands, and well-defined trapezius. Or go home.
Still have a bit of a Jamison crush. Check out those eyebrows! (lust, lust, pant, pant) My favorite:
September 5th, 2014 at 2:34 pm
I thought about the trapezius once, but I’m afraid of heights.
**crickets**
Hey, is this thing on?
I almost posted the “I Can’t Hold Back” video, but there were a few too many gratuitous shots of the model’s backside. I’ve come a long way since my days as a dumbass who didn’t know what “objectification” meant.
September 5th, 2014 at 2:50 pm
It’s strangely ironic how men these days increase their chances of seeing an actual ass the less they talk about or look at them in public. I’m a feminist but sometimes I get a glimpse of just what an obstacle course modern dudes navigate on their way to panties.
Of course, as the wearers of the panties we think it’s just logical to expect men not to be dicks during the wooing stage but we have to remember that logic was not in fashion socially and politically until just recently in human history and different goals produce different types of logic.
Women’s goals are equality. Men’s goals are…panties.
September 5th, 2014 at 6:17 pm
You (women) deserve not to have men act like dicks ever. Our society has come a long way in that regard, yet still so much to be done. The best I can do is be an ally.
Your closing line cracked me up, but I hope you don’t really think that. I’m sure a lot of men want to see women achieve equality and respect and be treated with dignity because that’s a better world than the one we live in. Either that or I’m rationalizing, because the only time I see my SO’s panties anymore is when I’m folding laundry.
😦
😆
September 5th, 2014 at 7:26 pm
Here’s a superpower for you: take one of her favorite pair of unmentionables, safety pin a short love letter to them, and stick them in with the others. You’re a writer, use it. There will be all kinds of…inspiration in her future.
Gradually do the same thing with her socks, her food, her hairbrush, her coat pocket, the steering wheel, a shoe. Use notes with inside jokes and shared memories, heart stickers, tiny scented votive candles, mini candy bars, (don’t do the last two in the car), ribbons of her favorite color tied in bows around things (this can serve as a kinky segue later), and other little gestures that you can sneak around without breaking the bank. Do it no more than once a day.
When her birthday approaches, put little numbers on them counting down from 10 so she knows something good is coming and then make the final gift something you do with her rather than a material thing.
Women want to know they are on your mind, that you are devoting your life to them steadily–which is how THEY show love. Everybody wants to get how they give. Women do lists of little things for their guys every day, then grow resentful when it goes unnoticed or worse, becomes rote and expected. Have you met my parents?
That is why the old adage is true about women giving the same number of points to a love note as a diamond necklace. Both constitute one event in her world. She measures by attention, he measures by nekkidness. Think of these little gestures as coins dropped in the Un-Panty Bank.
Now, go put those eyebrows to work.
WARNING: Never, ever bring up the little gifts you’ve given in a fight. She will cancel them all out in her mind as a manipulation and you will have to start all over from zero.
September 6th, 2014 at 8:19 pm
This video reminds me of this comment thread.
September 6th, 2014 at 11:58 pm
Funny and well done. 6 and a half minutes is an eternity on YouTube, yet she managed to keep it bouncing along.
September 5th, 2014 at 6:31 am
I definitely see the resemblance, Eric…minus the wrinkles.
I wasn’t a fan of the song Eye of the Tiger, but I did enjoy Survivor’s other music…takes me back to my early college days.
September 5th, 2014 at 2:41 pm
Maybe I could guest star in an episode where his forehead is cloned.
September 5th, 2014 at 8:01 am
Flea is an Aussie! An Aussie just got mentioned by a cool kid in the USA! Whoo-hoo! You have no idea how exciting that is.
September 5th, 2014 at 2:46 pm
Did not know that. I’ll bet Flea is excited to get attention from a cool kid finally.
September 5th, 2014 at 8:26 am
They are aggressive eyebrows. Pretty sure you could take off bottle tops with those things.
September 5th, 2014 at 2:47 pm
Ha! Better than poking an eye out with Matt Smith’s chin (says Oswin).
September 5th, 2014 at 9:21 am
Don’t let your recent Twitter fame rush to your head and spoil you! You don’t want to end up like Jennifer Lawrence.
September 5th, 2014 at 2:49 pm
People’s monitors would go on strike if nude pictures of me surfaced.
September 5th, 2014 at 10:54 am
You look like a “much younger version” minus all the eye bags and wrinkles! Isn’t it a hoot how things come into vogue and then go out again? Your brows are here to stay!
September 5th, 2014 at 2:49 pm
I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth.
newsflash: It’s worth .003 cents. Oh well.
😉
September 5th, 2014 at 4:09 pm
So many wonderful phrases in this article, like the episode. Your Capaldic eyebrows are a thing of temporary internet fame glory and I am so happy to have contributed in any way to this.
Rock on with those angry eyebrows my friend! Rock on!
September 5th, 2014 at 4:15 pm
Haha. Thanks! Dig the gravatar. We need a cross-eyed woman doctor next regen. Then it will be your turn.
September 5th, 2014 at 5:33 pm
Eric, is that really true about you, Twitter, the BBC and the similar eyebrows to the new Dr. Who? Very cool indeed. I am honored to know you!!! You will be the next media phenomenon to be sure, like Weird Al Yankovic said “Now all these newspapers are spilling their blood all over me.” ( meaning the Wall Street Journal.) You too, could be more than just a scenester. And Weird Al is in his fifties. Ok, so go!
September 5th, 2014 at 6:20 pm
Your comment is dripping with so much sarcasm, my laptop shorted out.
😛
Somehow I think Twitter has already moved on…
September 6th, 2014 at 10:02 am
Now Eric, coming from my background in publicity coupled with my enormous courage in contacting celebrities (which I guess you do not know about), I was not being sarcastic!!
Of course Twitter has moved on. But it is still something. And the BBC is not WREK!
September 6th, 2014 at 11:09 am
Darn it, I threw away my laptop for nothing!
😉
September 6th, 2014 at 8:59 pm
Hahaha! You are funny!
September 5th, 2014 at 6:11 pm
I’m surprised they didn’t pick up on the bloodshot eyes?
You should have drunk a lot more tequila before the selfie – or used your not inconsiderable artist talents to Doctor the shot?
63! Sheesh that’s just way too young.
September 5th, 2014 at 6:24 pm
Either that or they thought the bloodshot look suited him. He is supposed to be the “unpredictable” doctor. I’m not sure that connects, but I tried. I’m afraid I don’t drink the kinds of booze that cause the sotted appearance. Belgian ale and the occasional scotch on the rocks.
Re; Jimi Jamison. Yes, only 63. Apparently he had performed very recently and seemed to be in fine voice.
September 5th, 2014 at 7:51 pm
You could open bottles with those things.
September 5th, 2014 at 8:33 pm
I’m worried they might cede from my face and start the independent state of Eyebrow.
September 5th, 2014 at 9:00 pm
Have you seen “20 Feet from Stardom?” ~ we watched it last night and I expect you would enjoy it.
September 7th, 2014 at 1:09 pm
You’re at least the fifth person, all of you wise, to recommend that film to me. It was playing at an indie theater a couple miles down the road and I didn’t go. I am a miserable failure because you are all correct that i would love every minute of it.
September 7th, 2014 at 3:38 pm
Hope you can track down a copy ~ have your people get in touch with Jagger’s people.
September 6th, 2014 at 10:27 am
I wish I could say I was cool enough to hang out with you. But my eyebrows are rather thin.
I am impressed with your resemblance to Peter Capaldi though. Good on you!
I also like Peter Capaldi as the Doctor.
September 6th, 2014 at 4:54 pm
No, I want thin eyebrowed people around so they don’t attract attention away from me!
😛
There was more to that conversation… my friend also said my personality matched the new Doc: Prickly and opinionated, but kind of funny at the same time. That’s one of the awesomest things about DW, how the change is the norm. What other program is able to swap out actors without hurting the show? I’d say it even helps this show by keeping things fresh.
September 6th, 2014 at 4:45 pm
Congratulations on your new-found coolness! That is some awesome picture! Don’t ever trip those eyebrows! 🙂
September 6th, 2014 at 4:55 pm
Ha! Using my approach, anyone can be cool. You just have to invent a reason.
Looking forward to seeing your guest post at Jill’s on Friday.
September 7th, 2014 at 12:48 pm
Congrats on your naturally appealing eyebrows. I do a fair bit of tweezing and shaping of mine to make them such as they are, for the person I’m told my brows resemble is granddad – not what most women want to hear.
September 7th, 2014 at 1:19 pm
Hahaha! Unless you’re granddad was Divine. Her brows were epic.
Pretty soon some skinny-browed star will come along, and then I’ll come crashing back down to Earth. Luckily, the drop will be measured in inches.
September 7th, 2014 at 6:23 pm
I know a famous cool person! Yay! 🙂
September 8th, 2014 at 9:11 pm
You’re definitely rocking the new Doctor Who eyebrows!
September 8th, 2014 at 11:14 pm
Only 29.99 with free shipping! I installed them myself.
😉
September 10th, 2014 at 8:43 pm
But the question remains – can you swear like Capaldi?
September 10th, 2014 at 9:14 pm
I’m afraid the answer to that question is an unequivocal “yes.”