411:
I’m serializing a short story I wrote five years ago called The Last Stop, which will appear in bite-sized pieces over the next week. It’s probably unpublishable for a few reasons, but I put effort into the thing, so I’m posting it. You are the beta readers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Last Stop
(part 2)
© 2009 By Eric John Baker
4
Descending the hill Friday, Riley was disappointed at the light traffic. He’d make his turn faster.
Sophia faced the road, leaning against the light pole. The redhead was there again, second day on a row, but they weren’t talking.
Riley slowed, moving his head around to get a better view. Sophia seemed upset. What the hell? He braked to a crawl, scanning her face for an answer. Was that sorrow or anger? What could someone so perfect possibly have to be—
A horn blared and Sophia glanced toward him. Riley stomped on the gas and made the left. In his rearview mirror, her reflection shook apart from the vibrations of the pavement.
He thought of her all weekend. Her black hair curling under at the jaw. Her elfin face. Her narrow shoulders and curving hips hugged by a skirt terminating an inch above the knee. Her red lipstick and dark eye make-up, maybe too dark but urban chic on her. She could get away with it, a city girl like that.
He knew her wardrobe pretty well. She had ten outfits she cycled through every two weeks. Sometimes she mixed and matched.
Monday, he would stop and talk to her.
5
Riley crested the hill Monday in the right lane. If he didn’t get over soon, he’d be on the bridge! No turning back then.
Halfway down he thought, “What am I going to say?”
In a panic, he shot into the left lane. He glanced toward the bus stop, seeking Sophia out from the clutter of people and colors and shapes. Where are you?
He stopped, waiting for green, now directly across from the stop. With rising anxiety, he realized she wasn’t there. He held his ground, waiting, forgetting the traffic signal, feeling helpless. Sophia was always there.
The light turned green and a horn blasted. Damn it. I need time to think! The horn sounded again, probably the same asshole from Friday, and Riley made the turn. She’d be there tomorrow. No doubt.
On Tuesday, Riley slammed his fist down on the top of the steering wheel and cursed. Little dots of spit shot across his dashboard. Goddamn it! What was her game? Where did she go?
He felt guilty all day for blowing up at her like that. Guilt turned to panic when Wednesday morning once again revealed unfamiliar faces. Panic like when Madeline went missing and the cops were buzzing around and the mystery was new and unreal.
First Maddie, now Sophia.
Riley’s boss, Patrick, poked his head into Riley’s office at least ten times. Riley knew he was there but kept his eyes down, fumbling through papers. Staying in character grew more difficult. At a quarter past five, Patrick stopped him in the hall and laid a hand on his shoulder.
“You know what,” he said. “You haven’t taken a day off in months. Why don’t you relax at home tomorrow?”
Finally, Riley thought. It’s about goddamn time he offered. “Yeah, ok.”
“Good,” Patrick said. “Just sleep in and watch some TV or something.”
Riley nodded, but he didn’t sleep in or watch TV. TV sucks! He drove downtown at four thirty in the morning, parked at the Hilltop Tavern, and walked down the slope to wait for the bus. Five miserable hours waiting on that bench, and she didn’t show. He had to go on worrying and not knowing. Goddamn her. How could she?
6
Next day, Riley called out sick. Patrick didn’t sound too upset. Christ, Riley’s wife was a missing person. How could Patrick be upset?
This time he stayed out of sight. Patrick and most of the people on his floor made the same left every morning. All he needed was someone blabbing, “I saw Riley on the bus stop,” and then someone else saying, “Yeah, me too.” And then, suddenly, he’s the hot topic again.
People should get lives, he thought, hiding behind a poster advertising car insurance.
The 8:15 bus appeared at the top of the hill, but no Sophia. Riley watched it draw closer, squinting to see the bus driver’s face. Was he wondering what the hell happened to Sophia too?
The brakes squeaked and the big shiny rectangle slid to a stop a few feet past the rain shelter. The doors opened. Three riders lined up and shuffled on board. The doors began to close.
“Wait,” Riley called, shooting forward. The driver, staring straight ahead, opened the door again. Riley charged up the stairs then paused, fumbling for fare. The driver became melodramatic in his silence.
Riley scraped the money together. The bus was already moving before he started down the aisle.
An idea hit him: Maybe she gets on at an earlier stop now. A distinct possibility! She was surely on this bus already. He’d drop beside her and make some joke that she’d laugh at in spite of herself.
I’m Riley, by the way.
Hi, I’m Sophia. Nice to meet you, Riley.
The bus hit the bridge and started up the incline, sending him stumbling down the aisle. He pivoted into a seat next to a tiny guy with a long beard who didn’t look at him. Riley twisted around, scanning the passengers.
Nothing.
He turned and slumped into the seat. Maybe she was in the city somewhere. He gazed through the window, eyeing the cluster of skyscrapers drawing closer, trying to figure out where to look.
The buildings looked like big glass knives.
(to be continued)
July 18th, 2014 at 8:18 pm
I don’t know if I want him to find Sophia . . . or not. Probably not.
I don’t think Riley is wrapped tight.
Or maybe he’s wrapped too tight.
Either way, I was hoping for another slice of pizza for sticking with the story. 😎
July 18th, 2014 at 8:36 pm
This is the best I can do
July 19th, 2014 at 8:51 am
The squeaky wheel gets the grease . . . the squeaky hamster gets the wheel . . . of cheese pie.
That is one fat rat!!!
July 19th, 2014 at 8:56 am
Loved your blatant anti-materialist (a/k/a soviet socialist commie) propaganda:
“TV sucks!”
July 19th, 2014 at 1:19 pm
Haha. That’s entirely Riley’s propaganda. His mania has a way of bleeding into the narrative. I enjoy writing “in character,” even third-person, and letting people in the story and their attitudes influence the narrative voice. Sometimes readers miss that though. A female friend read a story of mine with a villainous character who referred to women as “bitches” and “sluts,” and she chastised me for my misogyny. I was like, “You know he’s the bad guy, right?” Thomas Harris wasn’t advocating cannibalism when he wrote Hannibal!
And that is one overweight hamster.
July 19th, 2014 at 1:31 pm
That’s the most fun part of being a Fiction Writer ~ we can say anything we want and blame it on our characters!
July 19th, 2014 at 1:33 pm
July 21st, 2014 at 3:03 pm
Okay. That was adorable.
July 21st, 2014 at 9:46 pm
My interaction with Nancy or the hamster?
😉
July 18th, 2014 at 10:19 pm
It is interesting that he only remembers the names of women who are significant to him. And I agree with my friend above, I’m not sure I want Riley to find Sophia.
“The buildings looked like glass knives.” Is this our Chekov’s gun?
And damn you for the tiny hamster. It is too cute. I might have squealed like a middle schooler, but you better not tell anyone. Or else!
July 19th, 2014 at 1:31 pm
This is a free-expression zone (except for people who express hatred, intolerance, homophobia, and racism). Squeal like a middle-schooler at will. Dress like a clown (though that would be scary). Wear a pirate costume if it floats your boat, pun intended.
You know, that is an awesome point about Riley and women’s names that wasn’t even conscious on my part but makes sense. He can’t be bothered to learn the name of any female who doesn’t directly affect or influence him. Be careful sharing your insights. I might ask you to beta read something someday.
😉
July 19th, 2014 at 2:09 pm
I suppose we should give credit to your subconscious. I noticed right off the bat that all the guys are named, but only two women are.
I would be happy to beta read for you. I might need some karma (and willing victims) when I get my WIP wrapped up. 😛
July 20th, 2014 at 6:46 pm
Deal.
July 19th, 2014 at 12:08 am
I’m enjoying this.
July 19th, 2014 at 1:32 pm
Thank you, Sky!
July 19th, 2014 at 5:39 am
He knows how many outfits she owns!
That is a bit too creepy – obsessive.
I couldn’t put my hand on my heart and tell you how many my wife owns!
July 19th, 2014 at 1:41 pm
I can’t remember my own clothes. Eventually I’ll find something at the bottom of the hamper and say, “Oh, I forgot about that shirt.”
July 19th, 2014 at 10:45 am
I don’t think I like that Riley’s stalking Sophia. I don’t even want him to find her now…Geez! That’s a crazy obsession.
July 19th, 2014 at 1:46 pm
It was the outfit comment, wasn’t it? When I wrote that I thought, “Women reading this are going to start feeling the creepy crawlies about now.”
I’ve always said, though, that the difference between love and stalking is that lovers don’t mind the attention!
July 19th, 2014 at 1:39 pm
like I said Riley needs therapy.
July 19th, 2014 at 1:52 pm
Even though this story is just a story and is absent of any overt editorializing or messaging, I suppose an organic message comes from the fact that I chose to make the hero and the villain the same character: We, as a society, need to do a better job of destigmatising mental-health issues. How many problems could be averted if people were more comfortable getting help? That said, I don’t like to put up neon arrows pointing to themes in my stories, and I encourage to take what they want from it.
Thanks for reading, Yolanda.
July 19th, 2014 at 5:12 pm
Couldn’t agree more with you Eric. I think your story is highlighting just that – how we perceive and judge people with mental health issues without being preachy. I love your writing and especially like how you are able to capture his ‘issues’ so cleverly in this story. I’m looking forward to reading on. PS. I don’t think he is unlikeable so much as intriguing.
July 20th, 2014 at 6:48 pm
I kind of felt sorry for him when I wrote it. Everyone needs human connection but not everyone is equipped for social navigation.
July 19th, 2014 at 1:56 pm
I am enjoying this, Eric! Riley is a total creep. Possible psychopath. I like how you draw out his perverse personality: knowing how many outfits she has; anger toward someone who doesn’t know he exists; the fantasy that Sophia will like him. And I am really wondering what happened to Madeline 😉
Interesting that while Riley creeps me out, I feel I understand or at least can say I’ve experienced some his anti-social behavior. In particular, his disdain for people who talk as if they are old friends with his wife when in fact they hardly knew her. Maybe. He does note that she was the one with the friends. Also, since you start the story with his wife’s disappearance and he’s described as being genuinely upset, my first inclination is to feel sympathy for him. Now I’m wondering if he’s guilty of more than just stalking. Or maybe he is just socially inept. I’m looking forward to reading more and finding out 🙂
July 20th, 2014 at 6:52 pm
Thanks for reading and for you insights. As I say in the notes before the story, I’m not sure if this story works on some levels, but I do think, based on people’s comments, that I was at least partly successful in creating a character who can be viewed on more than one level or at least who causes readers to equivocate in how they feel about him.
July 19th, 2014 at 8:02 pm
[…] ← short story serialization: The Last Stop (part 2) […]
July 19th, 2014 at 9:11 pm
OMG! I think I dated Riley…back in my dating days!
July 20th, 2014 at 6:53 pm
hahaha. You win Comment of the Day!
July 19th, 2014 at 10:50 pm
The writing it good and I’m definitely curious about what going to happen, but I can’t say I’m “enjoying” the story per se; Riley is pushing a lot of my feminist buttons and starting to seriously creep me out.
July 20th, 2014 at 6:56 pm
I just hope you aren’t conflating the character with the writer. 😉
Seriously, I appreciate your support but I don’t want you to feel obligated reading a story that gives you bad vibes. I have other material I’m sure you will read someday.
July 20th, 2014 at 10:07 pm
It’s totally giving me bad vibes, but you should take that in a good way: you’re conveying the depths of Riley’s deviance very convincingly for it to be affecting me this way. Plus, the story is like a wreck on the highway for me now – I can’t not look/find out what happens.
July 21st, 2014 at 9:48 pm
Lol! Please promise ot blurb the back of my novel someday.
“I was like reading a car wreck.”
That’s the second time you cracked me up today.
July 20th, 2014 at 8:01 pm
[…] part two […]
July 21st, 2014 at 3:04 pm
Oh man. I’m getting a Vertigo vibe here. Dun, dun, dun, dun! There’s more to Sophia than meets the eye. I will confirm with another installment.
July 21st, 2014 at 9:50 pm
Vertigo the Hitchcock movie? If I ever come up with something on par with Vertigo, I’ll actually turn into this guy and then retire, not necessarily in that order:
July 21st, 2014 at 8:00 pm
[…] part two […]
July 22nd, 2014 at 8:01 pm
[…] part two […]
July 23rd, 2014 at 8:04 pm
[…] part two […]
July 25th, 2014 at 11:26 am
Amazing how someone we hardly know can begin to take residence in our hearts and head. Unlike some others here, I’m sympathetic to Riley’s cause. I don’t see him as a stalker . . . not yet. A desperate man clinging to hope. . . I’ll see what the next part brings 🙂
July 25th, 2014 at 6:38 pm
I’ve heard that in some cultures women are so standoffish they become insulted if you don’t stalk them. “If you’re not willing to risk a restraining order just to get my attention, you must not care enough!”
Riley probably thinks she’s playing hard-to-get.
August 1st, 2014 at 7:45 am
Riley seems determined to find his Sophia. Wish I could help him with the coordinates. Nice job. I’m off to the next.
August 1st, 2014 at 5:49 pm
Poor Riley. He needs more than coordinates to find what he needs.