Star Wars … retold entirely in Haiku!

Haiku? This is madness!

Haiku? This is madness!

*

Words scroll up the screen

Something about “Death Star plans”

Please pass the popcorn

*

Rebel ship is chased

Giant spaceship fills the shot

“Get in my belly”

*

Chick in a white dress

Talking to a garbage can

Oops. It’s a robot

*

R2 has the plans

Robots take the escape pod

Darth Vader looks pissed

Peripheral vision is for losers.

Peripheral vision is for losers.

*

Down on Tatooine

Gold bot has sand in his pants

Here come the Jawas

*

Luke works on a farm

With no animals or crops

This is the hero?

*

R2 does it all

C-3PO speaks “Bocce”

Buy one; get one free?

*

R2 runs away

He’s chased by a floating car

I want one of those!

*

Meanwhile, up in space

Vader chokes his co-workers

What will HR think?

*

Sandpeople shake sticks

Luke gets scared and passes out

This is the hero?

*

Obi-Wan saves them

He gives Luke a light saber

I want one of those!

*

Uncle Owen dies

Aunt Beru is baked alive

So much for Luke’s chores

*

Quite the wretched hive

Mos Eisley is not for wimps

You might lose an arm

*

 A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, men wore disco clothes, and their friends were naked. Or it was just the 1970s.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, men wore disco clothes, and their friends were naked. Or maybe it was just the 1970s.

They meet Han Solo

His ship made the Kessel run

Less than twelve parsecs

*

Off they head to space

Robots, ape man, and three dudes

Sounds like a good time

*

The princess won’t talk

How to teach her a lesson?

Blow up Alderaan

*

The Force cries in pain

Obi Wan says “Suddenly”

Twice in one sentence

*

Say, is that a moon?

We’re caught in a tractor beam!

Does Han still get paid?

*

death star

The Death Star is huge

They find Leia right away

That was pretty odd

*

They jump in garbage

Rather than run down the hall

They deserve squashing

*

Lasers everywhere

Storm troopers can’t shoot for shit

I blame budget cuts

*

Storm troopers fall dead

Plastic armor is useless

I blame budget cuts

*

The chasm is too wide

Leia kisses her brother

Ew. They swing across.

*

Darth and Obi Wan

Grampa-speed light saber fight

Obi-wan pops off

*

Luke is so depressed

A guy he met yesterday

Vaporized himself

*

Meanwhile, the princess

Her whole planet was destroyed

Double-u tee eff?

"Luke. My entire planet... everyone I've ever known or cared about... has just been obliterated. But here, have a blanket.

“Luke. My entire planet… everyone I’ve ever known or cared about… has just been obliterated. But here, have a blanket you poor thing.

*

To the rebel base!

But the Death Star followed them

Tricky S.O.B.s

*

Han get his reward

Apparently plastic crates

He’s easy to please

*

Attack the Death Star

It’s a suicide mission

Best scene ever filmed

*

Luke is all alone

Until Han Solo comes back

Darth Vader goes “Whaaaaaaat?”

*

Luke uses the force

His lasers turn a corner

That would never work

*

The death star goes BOOM

Luke and Han get gold medals

Chewy gets a bronze.

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