I never knew until my last post how much you loved Mole People, so I’ve decided to dip my toes in the fan-fiction pool for the first time ever. Thanks for the inspiration! My apologies to Universal Pictures for the copyright infringement, but they shouldn’t have made their mole people so damned sexy.
And now, without further b.s., the greatest work of Mole People Fan Fiction ever created:
Levity is the Mole of Wit
By Cire Nhoj Rekab
Bella Swan and Darth Vader sat back to back, their hands bound with tree roots, as the Mole People brought forth armfuls of sticks. Here, deep within the Earth’s crust, a breeze issued from an ancient lava tube, chilling Bella’s arm and shoulder exposed by the tear in her dress.
They were about to die, burned alive in sacrifice to the insect god Garfoobel.
The raven-haired Bella showed no fear (a childhood injury had paralyzed her face muscles, which often led people to wonder if she could act feel emotion at all). Yet she was fearless not from bravery. Being this close to Vader, feeling the firm muscles of his black-caped back press against her flawless, porcelain skin, hearing the masculine hiss of his breathing apparatus… made her feel so alive. “Let them bring fire,” she thought. The burning she felt for Vader was hotter than the torches of a thousand Mole People.
But Vader pondered not love or fire. He thought of what he had witnessed just hours before aboard the Enterprise, a scene that shook him to his very respirator: Captain Kirk and Spock, lying in passionate embrace beneath satin sheets, violating Starfleet regulations nine ways to Sunday. Despite all his power, Vader could not Force the image from his mind.
“I see you’ve resigned yourselves to your fates,” said Ian, the Mole Person in charge of gathering flammable materials for sacrifice. “That’s good. Your little wizard friend, with the funny glasses and the yellow and maroon scarf… he thought he could defeat the great god Garfoobel, but he was wrong.”
Bella thought that skull stuck in the dirt over yonder had looked familiar. If she weren’t so busy brooding, the realization would have made her scream, “Haaaarrryyyy! Noooo!”
Vader mustered all the menace he had in him and turned his helmeted face toward the Mole Person. “Ian. I am your father.”
Ian tossed another branch on the pile. “No you’re not.”
“Search your feelings,” Vader said, impressing himself with his soulful delivery.
“One,” Ian said, “Mole People don’t have feelings. And two, that’s my dad right over there making Garfoobel’s tea. His name’s Archibald but, of course, we call him Stan.”
Damn, Vader thought. That worked so well last time. If only he could shoot finger lightning like the Emperor, this would all be over in a jiffy.
“Come on, then,” Ian said. “Over to the stake with you. And no funny business.” He hoisted the entwined couple to their feet and shoved them toward the iron post at the center of the Circle of Sacrifice. “You’re actually doing the topsiders a favor, you know. Without human sacrifices, Garfoobel would be up there smashing up the place. So think about that when the fire starts to lick your toes.”
The voice came from behind them. “Stop right there! They’ll be no sacrifice tonight!”
The Mole People, Bella, and Vader whirled around (which should have been a physical impossibility, given that the lovely waif and her planet-destroying love interest were tied together). Standing before them was Dr. Who, pointing his weird little screwdriver thing. His travelling companion, Clara, clung to his arm.
“And why not?” the Mole Person asked.
“Because,” said the natty Time Lord, “You cannot kill trademarked characters like Bella Swan, Darth Vader, and Harry Potter without the expressed written consent of Lionsgate, Disney, and Warner Brothers!”
An epic battle was about to break out when the exceptionally beautiful Clara turned from the page and gazed directly into the eyes of the guy writing this story, which startled him, to say the least. “So why are you wasting your time writing this bollocks? Especially when I’m standing right here, waiting for you to notice me.”
“Well,” the writer said, finding the attention she gave him rather implausible given the severe attractiveness mismatch. “I’ve got this Mole People thing going, and I really ought to–”
With that, Clara stepped through the writer’s laptop screen, into the room, and put her arms around his neck. “You’re new at fan fiction, so I should tell you that you can make it end however… you…want.” She tapped his nose with her index finger for punctuation.
And they lived happily ever after.
May 31st, 2013 at 11:34 pm
OMG, this is so hysterically brilliant. Thank you for sharing your fan fiction with us. As soon as Amazon acquires the rights, I’m sure this will be an instant best seller.
…and I’ve never thought of the black-caped muscles of Darth Vader’s back in quite that way before. xD
June 1st, 2013 at 12:45 pm
I didn’t think of this until just now, but Darth Vader and Bella Swan make a good couple, what with the blank, empty, soulless thing they both have going on.
June 1st, 2013 at 12:55 am
I’m pretty sure my neighbors can hear me laughing hysterically! Bravo!
I have to admit I was expecting a team of lawyers to show up to fight for their characters. They would have taken those mole people down in twenty-three loooong paragraphs.
June 1st, 2013 at 12:46 pm
When we do the movie version, I’ll hire you as a special consultant. As you can tell, my stories strive for realism and an air of authenticity.
June 1st, 2013 at 7:27 am
You should be a writer for some of the lame “comedy” shows currently on TV. You’re truly talented, Eric. This is hilarious! I think you could make a series out of the Mole People, kind of like the Waltons. 🙂 Have a great weekend!
June 1st, 2013 at 12:48 pm
NBC’s lineup couldn’t be any worse than it is now, so maybe it’s the right time to pitch a Mole People family dramedy.
Have a great weekend yourself.
😉
June 1st, 2013 at 9:24 am
This is hilarious! I love this and hope you write more … really, really 🙂 Although, I wish I could Force that image of Spock and Kirk out of my mind!
June 1st, 2013 at 12:54 pm
I like writing short, satirical pieces, because i can knock it out in an hour and don’t have to worry if “each words adds meaning.” I just go for the joke. That said, there’s no home for it other than my own blog.
June 1st, 2013 at 1:12 pm
Then I’ll keep coming back for more 😉
June 1st, 2013 at 10:47 am
Woohoo! That’s got to be the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Awesome.
June 1st, 2013 at 12:54 pm
Thanks! I’m glad you found it entertaining.
June 1st, 2013 at 11:37 am
Holy Guacomole, Batman! That’s some Fantastically Funny Fan Fiction . . .
June 1st, 2013 at 12:55 pm
That was my first stab at it, so it can only go downhill from here!
😉
June 1st, 2013 at 12:56 pm
Thanks for the giggle! I read it aloud to my daughter and we could not stop laughing!
June 1st, 2013 at 10:34 pm
I’m glad I could share in your mother-daughter bonding moment!
😉
June 1st, 2013 at 9:17 pm
I love this! Especially the part with Clara at the end. I could totally picture her saying that.
June 1st, 2013 at 10:37 pm
Mmmmmmm. Clara.
**lost in dreamy thought**
**snaps out of it**
Um, yes, thank you!
June 2nd, 2013 at 6:55 am
Eric, I love Darth Vader’s ventilator. It reminds me of a creepy Dennis Hopper huffing on a plastic mask of NO2 in Blue Velvet.
You are such a good writer. I would suck on each of your toes but then I’d have to suck out the bones.
June 2nd, 2013 at 2:41 pm
That was the most revolting compliment I’ve ever gotten.
June 2nd, 2013 at 2:01 am
Hilarious
June 2nd, 2013 at 2:41 pm
Thanks!
June 2nd, 2013 at 3:18 pm
Very amusing, Eric. 🙂
On a more serious note, I was interested to read in your preface that you’d never before written fan fiction. My writing career began with fanfic when I was very young, and for a long time I assumed all writers started off that way. I’m now curious to know, on average, what percentage did, and how many were writing original material from the start. Someone should do a study on that. Maybe I should do a study on that. I find fan fiction as a cultural phenomenon to be intensely fascinating.
June 2nd, 2013 at 9:55 pm
There has to be something in a research journal somewhere. Far more obscure topics have been explored. Maybe you could do a non-fic book on the subject.
I’m trying to think about my early fiction writing from years ago. Most of it was zombies and demons and aliens, as I recall. It’s all (mercifully) lost.
June 4th, 2013 at 8:44 am
That’s so funny. Thank you.
June 10th, 2013 at 6:44 pm
Thanks for reading!
June 5th, 2013 at 5:48 pm
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