Banned Words

kim kardashianYou’d think a gory-horror-movie loving, rock-n-roll heathen like me would be opposed to censorship.

Normally you’d be right, but when it comes to protecting America’s collective intelligence from inane, trendy words and phrases that spread through the world of online journalism like an Old Testament-grade cockroach infestation, the oppressive dictator in me comes out.

That’s right. I’m calling for a ban. A burning even.  I’m saying, “Let’s go Fahrenheit 451 on its ass.” If you’ve been anywhere near an entertainment page recently, you know the term I’m talking about: baby bump.

Please, gossip scribes of the world, I implore you for the sake of substantive writing everywhere… stop saying “baby bump.” Every time I see it, I feel as if a rabid goat is chewing on my last nerve. Outside of my general compassion toward all humans, I really don’t care about Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy. I wish her and Kanye a healthy, happy child, but you really don’t need to tell me every time her “baby bump” makes a public appearance. Women have been giving birth for at least 70 or 80 years (as far as I know; it could be longer), but we haven’t had to hear about baby bumps until about 2 years ago. Do we have nothing better to talk about?

And while you are in the process of learning how to make better choices, entertainment writers, can you also rethink the wisdom of “Sideboob”? You know, like when an actress shows up on the red carpet wearing a top that exposes her flanks and you seem to think it warrants an article with a sideboob declaration in the headline. Amanda Seyfried’s sideboob! Scarlett Johansson’s sideboob! Louie Anderson’s sideboob! Holy crap, three-dimensional objects can also be seen from the side! Why didn’t Stephen Hawking tell us?

Where are all the frontboob stories, by the way? I think every time a female celebrity steps outside and isn’t wearing a deep-sea-diving suit or some other encumbrance that obscures the existence of her breasts, we should get an article about it. Newsflash: Anne Hathaway’s frontboobs arrive at a given destination .05 seconds before the rest of her body!

Perhaps calling for an outright ban is a little too Kim Jong Un for a patriotic blog like this one. I know entertainment writers are under a lot of pressure to generate material in the internet age. How about I just foster the notion that self-respect and dignity are, in the end, at least as worthwhile as a few clicks.

 *****************************

There are certainly plenty of songs with “baby” in the title for me to choose from. Here’s a pretty good one by The Supremes. Note: My apologies to anyone  who is offended by the gratuitous frontboob taking place in this video It’s hard for them to sing in deep sea diving suits, I’m told.

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42 responses to “Banned Words

  • LaMonique Hamilton

    I had a baby bump twelve years ago, and no one wrote an article about it. My son still managed to be born and thrive. Miracle! BTW, I’m singing this song in a Motown Revue in June. After all the of the practicing, I have gained a newfound respect for The Supremes – frontboobs and all.

    • ericjbaker

      I’ve got an even bigger miracle: My son was born 11 years ago, and I never had a baby bump!

      As if you weren’t already the bomb, now I learn you are singing in a Motown Revue. Where??? If it’s anywhere near New York or Philly, I’m going. As for the Supremes, they might not have exactly been dripping with soul, but they were pretty good. Not my favorite MT act, but I like them a lot and am sure you will sound great singing that tune.

      Speaking of tunes, my previous post includes the YouTube video for my new single. I’d love to get your opinion. I’m also trying to push it past a million views. So far, I’m short by 999,880.

      • LaMonique Hamilton

        Definitely going to check out your single. Congrats on its release!

        Wow, all these miracle children are being born without paparazzi or couture maternity wear. Virgin Mary would be appalled. Now if you tell me that your son is perfectly happy without reality show fame, the world may just turn upside down. 🙂

        As for the show, it’s in NC. Sorry about that. However, if you’re so inclined, there’s a bus of people coming down from DC. Just let me know if you want to come. Full disclosure — my town has no mall, no IHOP, and one Starbucks. We love tourists!

        • ericjbaker

          He seems to be most happy when he’s playing minecraft and skyping with his cousin. He likes to built virtual Rube Goldberg devices. No apparent interest in a reality-show career or the ensuing drug addiction.

          Shucks. NC is a tad far from here (central NJ), what with me being boring and responsible in recent years. Bring the show on the road! Or at least post some video. I’d love to play drums in a show like that. By the way, I think malls are BaS, IHOP is gross, and I don’t drink coffee, so no worries on the lack of Genericana.

  • VarVau

    Whenever I see or hear the phrase ‘baby bump’ I’ve the desire to ask how many times the couple played whack-a-mole to attain it.

  • Jill Weatherholt

    The Supremes, now they’re a class act. No frontboob, sideboob, upside down boob, over-flowing boob required, just pure talent. I’m with you Eric, “baby bump” has got to go. I’m tired of hearing, “Who is the latest celebrity sporting a baby bump?” Who cares!!!!

    • ericjbaker

      Baby bumps have replaced hairless cats and micro-dogs as the must-have accessory for celebrities. I plan to be different when I become a famous blogger. I’m going to walk around with a giant tortoise on a leash.

  • nrhatch

    What did we call “it” before we called it a “baby bump”? . . . Or did we just ignore the elephant in the womb? :mrgreen:

    Fantastic post, Eric. You had me at “Let’s go Fahrenheit 451 on its ass.”

  • skywalkerstoryteller

    Well, as usual, you had me smiling all over – and as everyone above ignored your obvious joke – yeah, women have been having babies for thousands of years. (Although, I’m among those few who, along with my sister 6 months younger than me) just never got one of those bumps. Loved the video too.

    • ericjbaker

      Glad you were entertained. Like you and me, my older sister has never had a baby bump. She treats her dog like a member of the family though. His name is B.B. Hmmm….coincidence or Freudian slip?

  • 1WriteWay

    I too am anti-censorship, but I too wish the news media would stop considering KK”s pregnancy to be news. As well as every actress’s “wardrobe malfunction.” Wow, Gwyneth Paltrow has an ass to bare! What a surprise.

  • Janna G. Noelle

    Very amusing post as usual, Eric.

    But on a more serious note, the thing that bothers me most about all these overused words you’ve mentioned is how they all describe women’s bodies, as if women’s bodies are the public domain of the media to remark upon whenever it feels like it. There are no corresponding words used to describe men’s bodies, nor are men’s bodies described/remarked upon in the media anywhere near as often.

    • ericjbaker

      Indeed. It bothers me how the appearance of actresses and other female celebrities gets picked apart everyday by writers and the people leaving comments afterward. So-and-so’s eyes are too far apart. Her lips are too thin. Her nose is too pointy. her arches are too low. And so on. Performers are human beings too. If you are going to become involved in the entertainment business, you have to accept a certain loss of privacy in exchange for fame and glory. But that doesn’t mean every inch of your physical being deserves to be publicly dissected.

      Maybe I’ve said this before, but this springs from the same ugly place that causes the entertainment media to tear apart every woman who becomes successful in the field. Look what happened to Kristen Stewart. She was an “it girl” for a year, but everyone decided that was quite enough and she needed to be dragged through the mud and bashed at every turn.

  • Arkenaten

    Until you, I had never heard of these terms, not being a frequenter of this form of journalism. Now I am likely to be scarred for life. Great!

  • tracycembor

    “Prego” or “preggers” are also horribly offensive to my ears, and they take just as long, or longer, to say that “pregnant.” I know that’s a terribly old-fashioned way to discuss Kim’s condition. If I lose my Modern Women Membership Card, so be it. The coupons were kinda crappy anyway. 😉

  • Bryan Edmondson

    Is a “Baby Bump” similar to a road bump? Only a state of old curmudgeons and crabby misanthropes,(like N.J). would vote to install such appalling corrective driving impediments on public roads.It just sickens me.

    As for “side boobs,”I am assume that comment was some sort of hidden allusion to my few extra pounds. This is the body I was born into.I try to wear loose clothing.. Am I still showing? Thanks for the twinge of insecurity that will plague me the next few decades…

    Eric, I think you have said quite enough for one shock blogger today..I am putting my gimp hood back on and zipping the ear holes shut. You are right. Some words should be censored.

    Tormented in Texas

    Bryan

    • ericjbaker

      The fine citizens of New Jersey do not think babies should be driving cars and will do whatever we can to stop them. They’re a menace!

      You actually weren’t born into that body. I had your brain switched with Channing Tatum’s at birth. Sorry. I thought your current coil showed more promise back in the day.

  • Bob Rodrick

    I’m sure George Carlin would agree with your points, Eric. And he’d probably express them as humorously.

  • Earnest Harris

    My pet peeve “word” is “baby daddy.” Oh do I ever hate that word/phrase.

    • ericjbaker

      Do you ever watch Police Women of Dallas on OWN? That term “baby daddy” seems to get uttered quite often on that show. Almost as often as they say POlice instead of poLICE.

      Yes, I know I just sacrificed manpoints by admitting that I watch Oprah’s channel, but I think I should get those points right back for having the confidence to admit that I watch Oprah’s channel.

  • purpleperceptions

    See, I like how you have common sense. We should start a revolution, you and I. Join yahoo and omg and start eradicating the scourge of the ‘baby bump” from inside out! What ho, Robin?

  • ranu802

    Your article about the baby bump is really interesting. When I read it in the news someone has a baby bump, I just wonder don’t they have a better vocabulary than BB?

  • byjhmae

    I see I’m late reading this but holy cow, that’s hilarious. I become homicidal when I hear the term “baby bump.” Childbirth is pretty normal, in fact, my dog can do it. Awesome post. And I very much enjoyed your guest post on change it up editing.

    • ericjbaker

      Thanks! I’m afraid you don’t understand, though. Celebrity pregnancies are full of unicorns and golden snowflakes, which is why we need to know so desperately. We mortals are curious, if nothing else.

  • ZZMike

    The only place I’ve seen that ever-so-cute term is on the front pages of the magazines by supermarket checkout lines. As long as it’s restricted to that area, I’m happy.

    There are so many other words and phrases that should be stricken from the world’s vocabulary – like “like” when it’s not used as a verb, adjective, or noun.

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