I wish to assure my readers that excellence is the goal here at ericjohbaker.website. internet. With every post, I strive to ensure that each word is chosen with the utmost care and concern for your entertainment experience. That’s why I have chosen to insure his blog for twelve bucks.
Here we are again, saving lives on WordPress.
Though I have as many writing-related pet peeves as the next blogger, I’m not so uptight that I’ll suck the life out of a document just to make it grammatically correct. A story or essay has to have rhythm and flow, and if it takes a misplaced comma to keep that intact, the grammar Nazis can bite me.
However, it’s a good idea to know what words mean before you stick them in a sentence. In my editing endeavors, I frequently see confusion about the differences between assure, ensure, and insure. If anyone I’ve edited is reading this, I’m convinced it wasn’t your fault that your original document contained these errors. Indeed, I saw a Schreibendouche (a small, furry demon that messes with people’s writing) hiding under your desk the other day. You’re right; I probably should have said something.
But, on the one, crazy chance in a million that you don’t really know the difference…
Assure –To make someone feel better about something, though you’re probably lying to them for some reason.
Example: “I assure you, your honor, that my client has no idea how those seven dead hookers ended up in the back of his pickup truck. They definitely were not there when he went in to buy cigarettes. How do we know the police didn’t plant them to frame my client? I understand this particular Wawa cannot produce the surveillance video that would exonerate him?”
Ensure –To make certain that something happens, even though it probably won’t because the people you are counting on to do it are a bunch of unreliable jerks.
Example: “I’m going to use an extra layer of plywood to ensure that this homemade submarine is one-hundred-percent leak proof!”
Insure – To give an insurance company money so, in the event that valuable item you possess suffers damage or destruction, they can tell you that you are not covered because of an obscure technicality.
Example: “My husband and I decided to insure his life for five million dollars. By tragic chance, he fell face-first onto an axe only a week later and was killed. Of course, I am devastated, though the money gives me and Fabio, my platonic South American male friend, a little piece. I mean peace.”
Leave a comment. No manifestos, but long-winded dissertations are fine.
December 1st, 2012 at 2:32 pm
Insure your home to ensure that you’re covered and then be assured that you’re never ever going to see a penny.
December 1st, 2012 at 3:55 pm
Especially if you live on a shore line.
December 1st, 2012 at 9:29 pm
This post assures me that you will do your best to ensure that people use these misused (and uninsured) words correctly.
Loved your examples . . . especially Fabio. 😀
December 1st, 2012 at 11:18 pm
I tried to get a job writing dictionaries, but Mr. Webster was not keen on my creative interpretations.
Who’s laughing now?
Actually, I don’t recall Mr. Webster laughing. Never mind.
December 2nd, 2012 at 1:20 am
I was going to post something witty, but Storkhunter won the Internet today, and I gotta go use words good in this book-thing I’m doing, so, I’ll just say thank you for saving lives on WordPress.
December 2nd, 2012 at 10:26 am
You never know. We could one day find ourselves in a dystopian society ruled by evil word nerds who hold grammar-and-language death matches. Something I say here could be useful for future contestants!
Re: Wittiness. I’ve read your blog, and I’d say you have enough wit to spread around between your book and other writing endeavors. Thanks for sharing a bit of it here.
December 2nd, 2012 at 12:17 pm
Grammar-and-language death matches = great story idea. Adding it to my prompts list…