I’m trying to be a better person. Shed the negativity, be more tolerant, don’t yell at the lady who can’t figure out how to get her Hyundai Elantra out of the parking spot at Staples (I mean, she got in there, so why is it so hard to back out?). That kind of thing.
This week, I’ve noticed a lot of bloggers are talking positivity. It must be the post-election realization that we all got a little inflammatory at one point or another in recent months, making nasty generalizations about the Whigs or the Greens or whichever party had it all wrong in our minds. One WordPress blogger said she decided, when her preschool-age daughter asked her if Mitt Romney was a vampire, that maybe it was time to tone down the rhetoric around the dinner table.
Unless they’re Twilight fans at her house, in which case it might be a compliment.
So anyway, today I shall purge myself of negativity by getting it all out at once. I’m going to name the three things I absolutely can’t stand that everyone else seems to love. I invite you to follow suit in the comments. Think of it as Primal Blog Therapy.
Three things I can’t stand that everyone else seems to love
This also extends to iced coffee, mocha-flavored deserts, gourmet Jelly Bellies, and any other food item that has been violated by that dark-brown devil known as the coffee bean. The very smell of the stuff makes me wretch. It is beyond my comprehension why people think it tastes good. That is all I have to say about coffee.
The silver lining: I never get accused of failing to refill the coffee pot at work. You coffee people are always looking for someone to blame! You should cut down on the caffeine maybe.
The phrase “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” does not really resonate with me. Lemonade is alleged to be refreshing, but I am always ten times thirstier after I drink it (which I rarely do, and even then it’s only to be polite). What’s in that stuff, a bag of potato chips?
Whenever I buy a crate of vitamin water or an energy drink mix or other flavored beverage that comes in a variety pack at Costco, the lemonade-flavored edition always outnumbers the others. I’m pretty sure warehouse stores bundle the top-selling flavors of a given brand in those crates. So why is lemonade so popular? Because you lot keep buying it. Put down the lemonade! It’s not refreshing.
A few months ago some kids in my complex were selling lemonade by the side of the road (actually it was Gatorade, but my story will be ruined if I tell the truth). I stopped the car, rolled down the window, and said, “Any idiot can make lemonade. You whip me up a Long Island iced tea, top shelf, and then I’ll be impressed.”
I still don’t know why their mom called the cops. I was trying to help their business get off the ground.
3. Sweet potatoes
Well, it’s that time of year again when I have to insult a family member by declining to taste the sweet potatoes. “But you like sweet things,” she’ll say. I’ll say, “Yeah, hand me a bowl of Oreos and I’ll prove you right.
Really, sweet potatoes are not a suitable alternative to cupcakes, cookies, or iced cream, so who are you trying to fool? Regular, not sweet, potatoes are just about perfect, and they aren’t nearly as mushy. I don’t like mushy. It reminds me of the gruel I was forced to eat at the orphanage.
By the way, I’ll also insult somebody this Thursday by declining the pumpkin pie, another thing I can’t stand. I didn’t make a separate entry for pumpkin pie, mostly because I don’t like it for the same reasons I don’t like sweet potatoes: It’s mushy, and regular pie (AKA “apple”) is just fine. Also because lists of three are rhythmically pleasing, while lists of four are awkward and ungainly, like a junior high school kid. I dislike lists of four so much that I thought of adding that to this list, but then I’d have four things, and sweet sweet irony is not what I’m going for here.
Whew! Consider me purged of negativity for good. If you want to get started on some positive energy yourself, how about not bagging on Twilight fans anymore? Not all of us understand the appeal of this book and film series, but it’s harmless and makes fans happy. Let them bask in the glow of Breaking Dawn Part 2 raking in $141 million dollars at the box office this weekend! Way to go, Twilight.
Disclaimer: Any impression given that I mentioned Twilight multiple times in a crass attempt to lure additional clicks is purely coincidental.
Your negativity purging begins below the image.